Well, to begin, I really should be in bed. It is fairly late on a school night and it has been the longest week ever. However, I was just laying in bed, exhausted but my mind reeling and so I thought maybe if I got some of this down I would be able to finally fall asleep. It all started when I got an email this afternoon which pretty much brought me to tears, which is weird since I really don't cry and also since it probably isn't that big of a deal. It was from my director telling me that they had bought my ticket back to Bolivia after the summer vacation. However, they had changed the date from the one I had requested to 2 days earlier. Not that big of deal, except that 2 days earlier means my parents will be out of town and will not be able to take me to the airport and I will have to say good-bye to them a week earlier when they leave and I won't be seeing them again until June 2009. And there is even a slight chance they may be able to change their plans to come home a little earlier. I know, you are probably thinking...so, what's the big deal? This brought her to tears? Yeah, that's what I was thinking too. Especially when laying in bed tonight, hours after receiving the email, I was still so upset. So I began to try to figure out why this was affecting me so much. It's not like I get homesick. I am not even sure how ready I am to go back to the states because that means facing some things I have been able to ignore the last few months. But something about the idea of not being able to say goodbye in the airport really bothers me. And I think this is because I feel caught between two worlds and the airport is the bridge between the two.
Bolivia. I love my life here. I love my job. I actually don't even feel like I have a real job half the time, even though I am often working 12-14 hour days. I am doing what I love and what I have been called to do. I get so much joy from teaching that it doesn't feel like work most of the time, it's just what I love to do. I love my school. It is such a special place, a tight-knit family. I have amazing, wonderful friends here and although the community is small, we are all very close and these are some of my deepest relationships. Living on my own this year and spending long weekends in La Paz instead of traveling have also increased the feeling of home here. This is just normal life. However, this isn't home. I might be here one or two more years, but not much more. There are too many things that frustrate me about Bolivian culture. I love these people, but I could never live here for long term, I would probably go crazy. So in many ways this just seems like a stopping place on the way to other adventures, not home.
Cincinnati. This was home for so long. 17 years. I have family there, friends there, my home church. However, when you leave a place for an extended period of time, life goes on without you. Crazy, I know. People's lives don't stop just because you aren't there. Sometimes I wish they would. I love going home, sleeping in my old bed, eating my mom's home-cooked food, spending time with friends and family. However, every time I go home it feels a little stranger, like I belong there just a little less. For example, I have a wonderful small group in Cincinnati. Dear friends that I love spending time with. However, it gets a little bit harder and a little bit stranger every time I go back. They welcome me back like nothing has changed, but everything has changed. They have spent the last 6 months or so growing closer together as a group, experiencing things as a group, while I have been thousands of miles away. Spending one on one time with my friends is a little bit easier, but sitting there amongst the whole group, I usually begin to feel overwhelmed and out of place. (This is usually why I am so quiet, it's not because I don't have something to say.) And it's no one's fault, it's just I don't quite belong. My experiences over the last 6 months have been drastically different than anyone else's and I have as much trouble understanding what their lives are like as they do understanding mine.
So where is home? I don't know. Where do I want to be? I don't know. Part of me longs for the US...for comfort food (aka good food), for my family, for familiar surroundings, for all of the conveniences. But I also know that once I am there, I won't be fully satisfied. I won't feel completely at home. I will miss Bolivia. I will miss my work here. I will miss my friends. I will miss being with people who really understand my life. And so I wonder, will I ever feel completely at home again in this lifetime?
4 comments:
oh my friend! you hit the nail on the head i believe. there's a caedmon's call song i feel like i always am singing somewhere in my mind... "this world has nothing for me, and this world has everything...." i too always ponder this idea of "home," not wanting to feel the feeling of missing a place or a people or anything.
i can't wait to see you and talk.
love you.
Hi, my name is Fabi and I stumbled upon your blog while looking for a review of how inaccurate Quantum of Solace is before I head to the theater to see for myself. I ended up reading some of your posts and was quite intrigued with what you write about Bolivia... in a good way :) You see, I'm from La Paz. Born and raised there until I was 18 when I moved to Rochester, NY for college in 1998. I have been living here ever since but miss my country greatly. Every time I go back, it feels like I belong less and less and not having been there in almost 3 years now, I feel like you probably know more about the current events and happenings in La Paz.
So you see, I can totally relate with this post about not knowing where home really is anymore. I think it's funny how we are physically in reverse locations but emotionally in the same place. Just wanted to share this with you and say hi. I'll keep reading your blog some more as I find time to do so. I find it very interesting. Take care and God bless.
PS: On an curious note, I think you might be my nephew's teacher... Does Christopher Riveros ring a bell?
so, i don't know if you will get this...but umm oddly enough yes i do know christopher. he entertains me everyday in my classroom :)what a small world! i am glad you were able to relate to my posts. it is always neat to make connections with people who understand your life, especially when it is different from what is so often considered "normal".
ha ha, that was a quick reply... It definitely is a SMALL world! I'm glad Christopher entertains you, he's a great boy and I miss him and his brothers a lot. I really like the pics you have on your blog. Do you mind if I use them to show some of my friends here what La Paz looks like? It's hard to express it in words sometimes. It's funny that I didn't start appreciating the mountains until I came here... everything is so flat! I was in Colorado over the summer and got teary-eyed as the mountains reminded me so much of LP.
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