home?

Well, to begin, I really should be in bed. It is fairly late on a school night and it has been the longest week ever. However, I was just laying in bed, exhausted but my mind reeling and so I thought maybe if I got some of this down I would be able to finally fall asleep. It all started when I got an email this afternoon which pretty much brought me to tears, which is weird since I really don't cry and also since it probably isn't that big of a deal. It was from my director telling me that they had bought my ticket back to Bolivia after the summer vacation. However, they had changed the date from the one I had requested to 2 days earlier. Not that big of deal, except that 2 days earlier means my parents will be out of town and will not be able to take me to the airport and I will have to say good-bye to them a week earlier when they leave and I won't be seeing them again until June 2009. And there is even a slight chance they may be able to change their plans to come home a little earlier. I know, you are probably thinking...so, what's the big deal? This brought her to tears? Yeah, that's what I was thinking too. Especially when laying in bed tonight, hours after receiving the email, I was still so upset. So I began to try to figure out why this was affecting me so much. It's not like I get homesick. I am not even sure how ready I am to go back to the states because that means facing some things I have been able to ignore the last few months. But something about the idea of not being able to say goodbye in the airport really bothers me. And I think this is because I feel caught between two worlds and the airport is the bridge between the two.

Bolivia. I love my life here. I love my job. I actually don't even feel like I have a real job half the time, even though I am often working 12-14 hour days. I am doing what I love and what I have been called to do. I get so much joy from teaching that it doesn't feel like work most of the time, it's just what I love to do. I love my school. It is such a special place, a tight-knit family. I have amazing, wonderful friends here and although the community is small, we are all very close and these are some of my deepest relationships. Living on my own this year and spending long weekends in La Paz instead of traveling have also increased the feeling of home here. This is just normal life. However, this isn't home. I might be here one or two more years, but not much more. There are too many things that frustrate me about Bolivian culture. I love these people, but I could never live here for long term, I would probably go crazy. So in many ways this just seems like a stopping place on the way to other adventures, not home.

Cincinnati. This was home for so long. 17 years. I have family there, friends there, my home church. However, when you leave a place for an extended period of time, life goes on without you. Crazy, I know. People's lives don't stop just because you aren't there. Sometimes I wish they would. I love going home, sleeping in my old bed, eating my mom's home-cooked food, spending time with friends and family. However, every time I go home it feels a little stranger, like I belong there just a little less. For example, I have a wonderful small group in Cincinnati. Dear friends that I love spending time with. However, it gets a little bit harder and a little bit stranger every time I go back. They welcome me back like nothing has changed, but everything has changed. They have spent the last 6 months or so growing closer together as a group, experiencing things as a group, while I have been thousands of miles away. Spending one on one time with my friends is a little bit easier, but sitting there amongst the whole group, I usually begin to feel overwhelmed and out of place. (This is usually why I am so quiet, it's not because I don't have something to say.) And it's no one's fault, it's just I don't quite belong. My experiences over the last 6 months have been drastically different than anyone else's and I have as much trouble understanding what their lives are like as they do understanding mine.

So where is home? I don't know. Where do I want to be? I don't know. Part of me longs for the US...for comfort food (aka good food), for my family, for familiar surroundings, for all of the conveniences. But I also know that once I am there, I won't be fully satisfied. I won't feel completely at home. I will miss Bolivia. I will miss my work here. I will miss my friends. I will miss being with people who really understand my life. And so I wonder, will I ever feel completely at home again in this lifetime?

binding up the brokenhearted

"...the life of a Christian is never about sameness. It's always about change. That's why we must learn to survive and once again thrive when change involves heartbreaking loss. We're being conformed to the image of Christ. When our heart is hemorrhaging with grief and loss, never forget that Christ binds and compresses it with a nail scarred hand. Life will never be the same [but Christ invites us] to rise to a new life- a more compassionate life, a wiser life, a more productive life. And, yes, even a better life." ~Beth Moore

fragile hope

So yesterday several of the teachers left to go climb a 20,000 ft. mountain. Not my idea of a good time, so instead I planned a quiet day and evening at home, catching up on sleep, getting some work done, and just lounging around. However, plans can change. I ended up setting an alarm (the one thing I hate doing on Saturday mornings) and waking up early to share a waffle breakfast at one of my favorite famiy's house. My favorite little 4 year old princess welcomed me in her pajamas and we shared a lovely breakfast together. Then, leaving the kids at home, I went with the mom, and a couple other teachers to an art fair at the nearby school. I love walking around looking at all of the beautiful handmade items and although I hadn't planned on buying anything, I ended up buying an alpaca scarf and a really cute bag. I was tempted to buy another Eric Bauer photograph, but I had bought one at the last fair and decided to save my money and wait on a second one. During the morning, Ali and I took a break to sit in the sun and warm up and we ended up having a deep heart to heart. This continued through lunch at the fair (yummy Japanese food) and the whole way home. Once at home I was able to chill for a few hours and get some work done while I watched Friends. I still planned on having a restful evening at home, snuggled under the covers, either with a book or a movie. But once again, my plans changed. I ended up going up the city to get a bite to eat with Ali, where we were able to continue our conversation from earlier and she was able to offer some insight into some of the things I have been going through. We then caught up with two of our friends to go see the new Indiana Jones movie, which was fun, but pretty cheesy and not quite as good as the originals. Ali and I then decided to get some dessert and listen to some live music before calling it a night. Although I didn't get my completely quiet, relaxed day I had been planning, it was still a great day and I was really glad to get the chance to draw closer to Ali. And who knows, I woke up not feeling great, so I have already skipped church and spent the morning relaxing in bed, doing my bible study and listening to a Mars Hill podcast, so maybe today will be the quiet day I missed yesterday?

whoa.

Even if you are not a ballet fan, you HAVE to watch this...it is INCREDIBLE! (you have to get past the creepy green people for the really amazing part!)

the little cracks, they escalated

So I have sat down to blog three times this week, and everytime I ended up erasing everything I wrote and moving on to other things. It was either too scattered, too personal, or just too boring. Who knows how this will turn out? The problem is that my mind is going in a million directions and I can't seem to pick one to follow. From culture issues to life changes, from loneliness to trusting God in all things, from good-byes to hope in the future, my mind is pretty much a jumbled mess. So rather than getting into any of that I think I will just share some funny moments with my sweet kids. My kids are the most precious children ever and every day they are an encouragement. Really, if you ever need a self-esteem boost go teach 7 and 8 year olds. My days are filled with hugs, kisses, and kids saying things like "You are the best teacher in the world", "I love you so, so much.", and "I wish you could be my teacher forever." They are darling. And they also make me laugh all the time. Two of my favorite moments this year came from language mix-ups. In my class I have one native english speaker and 15 kids who speak english as a second or third language and that leads to some very funny mix-ups.

One happened earlier this year. Guillermo, one of my very energetic boys, had gone to the cafeteria to try and get a cup of water. When he got back, I asked if had been able to find a cup. His response was, "Yes, the lord of the chicken gave me one." I have to admit it took me a minute...and I had to hold my breath to keep from laughing in his face. But I finally realized he had translated senor (sir, used as a respectful term for man) as lord and had mixed up chicken with kitchen. Yep, still makes me laugh out loud.

Another funny one happened just a couple of weeks ago. My precious Raisa came running up to me at recess and all out of breath asked, "Are you the dude of the school?" This one took a while longer and I had to have Raisa try and explain what she meant. Eventually, I figured out that she was asking if I was on recess duty.

So yeah, this hasn't been deep or anything...trust me you don't want to go there. But hopefully it put a little smile on your face or even made you chuckle out loud. Kids are great, aren't they?

Homesick

"We can't always know the mind of God, but we can always know the heart of God."~ Beth Moore

My mind is a little jumbled right now so I apologize if the following does not make sense. The last week or so has been kind of a roller coaster, to use the cliche metaphor. I had been in such a low place for such a long time, feeling lonely and having trouble handling all the change that was going on here and at home. Even when I finally started finding hope, the process was a slow and painful one to find joy again. But in the last week or so, I realized I was finding joy again, the aching and pain were leaving and were being replaced by joy and peace. Our God is faithful. And He really knows what He is doing, and does not test us beyond what we can bear. Because this week has been full of news that had I not refound that joy, might have caused a breakdown. I recently found out that a dear friend has lost someone very close to her. And while I did not know that someone, my heart aches for my friend. And all the thoughts and memories of one of my friends that died almost 3 years ago came rushing back. It's funny how although you never forget, those thoughts and feelings get pushed way back and you go on with life, until something causes them to come screaming back. Then this morning I learned that the mother of one of my Bolivian friends passed away last night after a year-long struggle with cancer. It's been a week to say the least. But while we can't always understand God's plan, we can trust in his goodness, his perfect love, and his perfect will. And all three of these dear women are now experiencing greater joy than we have ever known. And we are left on earth, searching out that joy day to day admist the pain and suffering of a broken world.

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty

I just got out of the shower smelling like Bath and Body Works' White Cherry Blossoms...and that is really my preferred state of being, clean and smelling pretty. Today I went with some of the other teachers to hike the Muela de Diablo (the devil's tooth). And I finally decided, no matter how much I try to enjoy the outdoorsy hiking, mountain climbing thing, I am always going to prefer to be a ballerina girl. It's just who I am and how God made me, and I am content with that. I also discovered that my fear of heights is in no way imagined, but very real as I stumbled my way back down the peak hoping and praying I wouldn't fall to my death. Now, even though I have made these discoveries about myself, that doesn't mean I am going to stop trying the outdoorsy thing. I will still try at least one backpacking trip and random hikes here and there...I will even someday try the rock climbing. However, I am going to be more realistic about who I am and not get frustrated when I am not enjoying it the same way others do. And it's not like there isn't anything I enjoy....the views you get to see when you make it to the top are definitely amazing and unlike anything you would see if you stayed on the ground. I spent a lot of this afternoon laying out in the sun on a rock on the top of a mountain just soaking in some of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. If only that was how you got to end the excursion...and not by having to climb down :)