homesick

life these days is different. i try not to compare and say it's worse, though on days like this it's hard not to. i miss the adventure of bolivia. these days my biggest adventure is trying to make it through a day without too many kids screaming or trying to jump out of windows. i miss the many beautiful bolivian children, so easy to love. but we can't look back. so i allow my self my memories, but then try to keep looking ahead....whatever may come.

musical medicine

i can't tell you how many times in the past few years i have listened to a song and thought, wow! this is the song of my life right now. it perfectly fits whatever situation i am in at the time. sometimes it is a song that i have listened to a thousand times but all of a sudden i get it, i really understand what it means. other times it is a new song from a favorite artist. and other times it is a song being played by someone else that i happen to hear. i have always found such comfort in these songs. i no longer feel alone in whatever i am going through. someone else gets it. someone else understands and has been able to put it into beautiful words.


a favorite memory from bolivia was meeting for staff devotions before school every morning for the first three years. it was a time to stop and be still before the craziness of the school day took over. it was a time for fellowship and reflection. it was during this time that i was introduced to the music of david wilcox.  he writes songs about life and introduces each song with his thoughts and reflections on the many things life throws our way . i remember always connecting to these songs in a deep way.


tonight, sitting around, reminiscing and sharing with friends from those days in bolivia, david wilcox was pulled out yet again, to share his insights on what we were thinking and feeling. and yet again, there was a song that could be on the soundtrack of my life:


It's the choice of a lifetime - I'm almost sure
I will not live my life in between any more
If I can't be certain of all that's in store
This far it feels so right
I will hold it up - hold it up to the light
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

The search for my future has brought me here
This is more than I'd hoped for, but sometimes I fear
That the choice I was made for will someday appear
And I'll be too late for that flight

It's too late - to be stopped at the crossroads
Each life here - each a possible way
But wait - and they all will be lost roads
Each road's getting shorter the longer I stay

Now as soon as I'm moving - my choice is good
This way comes through right where I prayed that it would
If I keep my eyes open and look where I should
Somehow all of the signs are in sight
If I hold it up to the light

I said God, will you bless this decision
I'm so scared.  Is my life at stake
But I see if you gave me a vision
Would I ever have reason to use my faith?

I was dead with deciding - I was afraid to choose
I was mourning the loss of the choices I'd lose
But there's no choice at all if I don't make my move
And trust that the timing is right
Yes and hold it up to the light


and the best part: his website has a section called musical medicine, where he takes his songs and divides them according to topic. if you feel this way, listen to this song.  it makes finding the perfect "song of my life (at least for this week)" just a little bit easier. :)
http://davidwilcox.com/index.php?page=cds&category=01--MUSICAL_MEDICINE

waiting...

i've now been home over a month. i've spent time with my adorable little niece. i've cherished the last week with sarah, my friend and roommate from bolivia. i've seen almost every single member of my family, both sides (all 50-some of them). i've attended two weddings. i've watched 21 movies and countless episodes of gilmore girls. i've read 10 books. and i've applied to schools in denver, cincinnati, virginia, and north carolina. and i still don't have a job. i still haven't heard anything at all back from anyone i have contacted or applied to. and while i could easily panic...and often come close...i also continue to rest in that peace that passes understanding.

it's hard to think of much to write. i am just waiting. yet while i wait, i plan to continue to live and enjoy each moment, no matter how small.

Wait for the LORD; 

       be strong and take heart 

       and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:14 

          

let's go fly a kite

after perhaps the longest week of my life, full of goodbyes and tears, it was so wonderful to spend time with the river kids this afternoon. after being up until the wee hours of the morning saying one of the hardest goodbyes thus far, i climbed the mountain to the small brick church apprehensive of yet another gut-wrenching, heartbreaking goodbye. last week when i announced my leaving, the room turned quiet, the children prayed the sweetest prayers i have ever heard, calling me their second mom, and tears streamed down their faces. how could i face another afternoon like that? especially after this week of a new goodbye every day?

thankfully, i didn't have to. it was just like any other sunday, except more peaceful and calm than usual. the kids slowly trickled in. we had some time to sit and catch our breath. then we went outside to where the boys stood at the highest points flying their homemade kites. using only a plastic bag, sticks, and string, these ingenious little boys had fashioned amazingly successful little kites.

after a while, tatiana got bored with the kite watching and we went back inside. we sat for a while bouncing a small ball back and forth, and then i taught her how to play jacks, using the little broken crayons in her pocket.  others wandered in and out, trying their hand at the game, making new kites, and coloring in the new coloring books we had brought. at one point, while i was helping tatiana color a picture, i looked up and just soaked in the sights and sounds of small groups of children coloring around the room, others outside playing soccer, and others just sitting playing with little army men. my heart, which had broken a thousand times over in the last week, filled with love for these beautiful children. and once again, i asked myself what i was doing, why was i leaving.

the day ended with the children enjoying the first donuts they had ever had...most didn't even know what a donut was! after one final group picture, three year old carolina  dragged me down the mountain for the last time.  and as heartbreaking as it was to pull away from the little shanty town for the last time, it had really been the perfect way to say goodbye.

You keep track of all my sorrows.
      You have collected all my tears in your bottle. Psalm 56:8

little things

as i lay in bed last night, so cold my insides were shaking and my teeth were chattering, i started to realize there are a few little things that i am excited for when i move back to the states.

*central heat! no longer will i have to wear my winter coat until at least noon everyday or shiver under 30lbs of blankets at night!
*a dryer....my pants might actually fit and my socks won't feel like cardboard!
*flushing toilet paper
*chic-fil-a....sad, but really the only food that i miss :)
*good milkshakes
*efficiency
*seeing my friends and family more often :)

and i know there will be so many more! the trick is focusing on these positives, rather than the many negatives....

a goodbye with no future

tomorrow begins the long journey of goodbye. it is the first of the lasts. tomorrow is my last dance class with some of the most beautiful girls on the planet. as one of my students mused today, "how quickly the time passes."

and the goodbyes are made harder by having nothing yet to look forward to. when people ask the dreaded question, "so what are you going to do now?" i have to answer that i have no idea. talk about a lesson in humility. saying goodbye is hard. saying goodbye when there is not even a glimpse of the future is excruciating. others wonder why you are leaving if there is nothing you are going to. i begin to wonder as well. but then i think of abraham, called to leave his home to go this unknown promise land. he did not have a vision for his future. he just left, and God was faithful and guided him.

so i begin the leaving, and i know God will do the guiding.

"The Lord said to Abram, 'Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I WILL show you." Genesis 12:1 (emphasis added)

dream a little dream

as the day i leave bolivia continues to draw nearer and nearer, and as i continue to have no idea where i will be or what i will be doing come next august, i have decided to focus on dreaming for the more distant future. last weekend, my roommate and i spent a morning planning and dreaming over a lovely pancake breakfast. here is our dream:

the year i turn 30 we will embark on a 5 continent adventure. we will spend 11 months in 11 different orphanages on 4 different continents. in the middle, we will take a month off to rest, visit dear friends in new zealand, and to explore that amazing place. our rough itinerary would be to begin in romania, then to russia, turkey, india, thailand, indonesia, new zealand, uganda, south africa, bolivia, ecuador, and ending in haiti.

now, obviously, many things could come up in the next four years that could change these plans. but i am okay with that, because i know ultimately god is in charge of my steps and his plans are higher than mine. however, having this little dream to hold on to somehow makes the fact i have no immediate plans a little easier. i still have something to look forward to. honestly, i would drop everything and begin this adventure this summer, yet little things like money and actual plans stand in the way of that. but god calls us to dream big, and he will answer with even bigger realities.

so this is my dream. and i can't wait to see my reality!