and in his name all oppression shall cease

i remember filling shoeboxes as a child for samaritan's purse operation christmas child and knowing that these boxes would be delivered to children in need in a far away country.

today, i was able to deliver those shoeboxes to children i love in the country that has become my home.  it was an amazing experience. a bolivian youth group joined us and led the children in songs and games, performed a drama, and shared  the gospel before handing out the boxes. after handing out the boxes we sat in a circle and all the children opened them together. it was so fun to watch the little ones get so excited about the stickers, barbies, toy cars, and other fun things that filled their boxes. while helping little tatiana open and look through her box, i was just filled with thoughts of the people who filled these boxes and how lucky i was to get to see the joy on the other end. it was just a special time. joy filled the air and the magic of christmas was happening before my eyes.

then it all came crashing down. fourteen-year old wara stood crying admist the joy and happiness. my roommate was hugging her, but couldn't understand what was wrong. i went over and just held her in my arms. finally, when she calmed down, i was able to ask what was wrong. and then she told me something that broke my heart into a million little pieces. her mom has left and she isn't coming back. wara has one older sister, fifteen-year old pamela, and four younger siblings ages 1-5. pamela and wara already basically act like the mothers of the younger ones, but now they have no one to mother them. i just don't understand. these kids already have next to nothing, and now the one thing they did have, family, has been ripped apart. and what can i do? not much. i can bring them food. i can pray. but i want to do more. i want to take these kids and give them all the love and care they deserve. they are such sweet, special children who are victims of a cruel and fallen world. it seems so easy to trust god with my own life in comparison to trusting him with the lives of these kids. but that is all i can do. trust that he has them in his hands and he will guard them and protect them. and thank him that even in the midst of this pain, we can still celebrate the sending of his son that made it possible for us to someday to live in a world without tears, pain, or broken hearts.

Truly He taught us to love one another,

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.

And in his name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

With all our hearts we praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,

His power and glory ever more proclaim!

His power and glory ever more proclaim!

the harder of the two ways

"Choose the harder of the two ways. If you have eliminated all other possibilities and there still seem to be two that might please God, choose the most difficult one. 'The way is hard, that leads to life,' Jesus said, so it is likely that he is asking us to will against our will. But what if he isn't asking that? The more sincerely we seek the will of God, the more fearful we will be that we may miss it. If it made little difference to us, obviously we would not worry very much about it, so there ought to be a measure of reassurance for us in the very face of our fear...'And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'This is the way, walk in it,' when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.' "
~Elisabeth Ellliot
God's Guidance

finally...peace

it's interesting how difficult decisions can seem, then you make them and those people who made it seem so easy were right. it wasn't that hard. you knew what God was calling you to do, it just took courage to make that decision. i can now see how i have spent the last 4 months arguing with God, knowing what he wanted, but still wanting my own way. thankfully, he also puts many people in our lives who speak truth and at some point you have to listen to that truth and it all comes together.

so i have made my decision for next year. it's still new and still hard to say. however i have peace. i will be leaving bolivia in june. i will miss it terribly and the thought of leaving the many, many children and people here who have become my family over the last four years makes me want to cry. yet, i know it is time for something new. a new adventure and a new challenge.

i have no idea what the future holds. i have begun to look into different options, but at the moment i am completely open for whatever doors the Lord opens. while scary, it is also exciting to be embarking on a new chapter of my life. and i still have 6 months to enjoy the country and people i have grown to love over the last 4 years!

random musings

decisions. it is funny how easily they come for some and yet for others, facing a decision is much akin to facing some sort of medieval torture device. some can so easily say that it's all in the Lord's hands and there is no need to worry because as long as you are seeking him you can't make a wrong decision. yet they don't understand that you also believe this and that is what is so frustrating. you can believe with your whole heart that God is in control and that really what you decide doesn't matter, but yet somehow the act of making the decision is still so difficult. it's not that your faith isn't strong enough. it's not even that you think you might mess up. it's just the actual act of having to decide. it's hard.

when i face a major life decision i often begin by getting more and more confused, with only small moments of clarity passing fleetingly by.  but i am realizing more and more that that confusion is often really caused by fear. fear of the unknown. fear of failure. fear of rejection. the trick now is to identify those fears as fears and to weigh them accordingly. and it's funny how as i start to identify fears, i am also uncovering issues of pride and selfishness. and i am beginning to wonder if maybe that is why decision making is such a hard process for some. because the lord uses that process to sanctify and purify their hearts. and that is never easy.

i am also realizing that when making a decision you can't always base it on just what you want to do. i am getting closer to making my decision for next year and can honestly say the decision i will probably make is the exact opposite of the one i want to make. yet the one i want seems wrong and the one i don't want seems to be right.  but looking at the example of Abraham, i am pretty sure he didn't want to do any of the things God kept calling him to do. yet he did them and was blessed. and again, it all comes back to faith.

i'm gonna dance in my trust in you

faith. trust. simple words. but they carry so much meaning. meaning that i still don't fully understand. i have faith in god. i trust god. but i still worry. i still get anxious. i still panic. i still feel depressed. i still feel lonely. i still have to have a plan. where is faith in that? where is trust? how do you do it? how do you live a life without worry and anxiety? i sometimes wonder if there is an answer or if i will ever find it.

yet i know god is trying to teach me. i sense his patient guidance in trying to help me let go of the fear that builds inside of me and at times threatens to take over. he is not showing me why things happen, but he is showing me he provides no matter what happens. whether it is who he took from and who he brought to bolivia this year, or small day trips with the river kids, or an incident on saturday where the car i was in hit a cow in the middle of the altiplano, in a region known for its strong hatred of americans, god has provided. and not just provided, but provided abundantly.

so why then, when faced to make a decision about what to do next year, does my stomach start to turn, my heart race, and my brain shut off? why do i continue to worry? how can i feel the gentle nudge of the lord in the direction he wants me to take, but at the same time hesitate because i fear what might come of such a decision? how many more lessons of his provision will it take before my faith is strong enough to let go of all worry? will i ever get there?

Let my faith arise

I say NO to the discouragement that keeps me down

I say NO to the things that keep me back from You

And this broken heart inside of me

Broken in so many pieces

By so many circumstances

I say NO to just letting it stay that way

Because I'm learning to trust that it's not You that hurt me

I'm learning to believe that it's not You that deserted me

I'm believing that You still love me

Brokenness and all

I'm believing that You've got a plan for me

I'm believing that You will restore me

I believe that You will awaken my soul

And let, let faith arise again, I believe

I believe like a little child again

I'm gonna dance in my trust in You, oh Lord

~jason upton

faithful to me

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
that have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand,
just to watch them all wash away

Through another day, another trial
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly,
for a faith to be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial,
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

~jennifer knapp

a matter of will

"When I was young I had the idea (I am sure I must have heard sermons on this) that I would somehow have to annihilate my own will before I could properly pray to God for his. "You must have absolutely no will of your own in the matter," someone had said.  This sounded all right to me, and I spent a lot of time and energy trying to follow this advice.  Finally, I saw that no such thing was required.  The struggle Jesus had in the Garden of Gethsemane showed me this. A conflict was taking place-not to annihilate his own will but to accept the will of the Father, which was other than his. It did not end with Jesus saying, "My will is now thine" but with, "Not my will but thine be done."  The act of praying, far from divesting us of human desires, enables us to lay them before God as very real and pressing and say to him, "Not these, Lord. Yours." (If we had gotten rid of them, there would be nothing to lay down.)
     There is something terribly down-to-earth about this. They are my own requests I am supposed to "make known" to God. They are things I feel strongly about. They may be sinful. If they are, making them known to God might make plain to me their true nature.  But I am starting by making them known. I pray for what I want, as a child asks its father for whatever it wants. This is faith's legitimate activity."

~Elisabeth Elliot