i'm gonna dance in my trust in you

faith. trust. simple words. but they carry so much meaning. meaning that i still don't fully understand. i have faith in god. i trust god. but i still worry. i still get anxious. i still panic. i still feel depressed. i still feel lonely. i still have to have a plan. where is faith in that? where is trust? how do you do it? how do you live a life without worry and anxiety? i sometimes wonder if there is an answer or if i will ever find it.

yet i know god is trying to teach me. i sense his patient guidance in trying to help me let go of the fear that builds inside of me and at times threatens to take over. he is not showing me why things happen, but he is showing me he provides no matter what happens. whether it is who he took from and who he brought to bolivia this year, or small day trips with the river kids, or an incident on saturday where the car i was in hit a cow in the middle of the altiplano, in a region known for its strong hatred of americans, god has provided. and not just provided, but provided abundantly.

so why then, when faced to make a decision about what to do next year, does my stomach start to turn, my heart race, and my brain shut off? why do i continue to worry? how can i feel the gentle nudge of the lord in the direction he wants me to take, but at the same time hesitate because i fear what might come of such a decision? how many more lessons of his provision will it take before my faith is strong enough to let go of all worry? will i ever get there?

Let my faith arise

I say NO to the discouragement that keeps me down

I say NO to the things that keep me back from You

And this broken heart inside of me

Broken in so many pieces

By so many circumstances

I say NO to just letting it stay that way

Because I'm learning to trust that it's not You that hurt me

I'm learning to believe that it's not You that deserted me

I'm believing that You still love me

Brokenness and all

I'm believing that You've got a plan for me

I'm believing that You will restore me

I believe that You will awaken my soul

And let, let faith arise again, I believe

I believe like a little child again

I'm gonna dance in my trust in You, oh Lord

~jason upton