random musings

decisions. it is funny how easily they come for some and yet for others, facing a decision is much akin to facing some sort of medieval torture device. some can so easily say that it's all in the Lord's hands and there is no need to worry because as long as you are seeking him you can't make a wrong decision. yet they don't understand that you also believe this and that is what is so frustrating. you can believe with your whole heart that God is in control and that really what you decide doesn't matter, but yet somehow the act of making the decision is still so difficult. it's not that your faith isn't strong enough. it's not even that you think you might mess up. it's just the actual act of having to decide. it's hard.

when i face a major life decision i often begin by getting more and more confused, with only small moments of clarity passing fleetingly by.  but i am realizing more and more that that confusion is often really caused by fear. fear of the unknown. fear of failure. fear of rejection. the trick now is to identify those fears as fears and to weigh them accordingly. and it's funny how as i start to identify fears, i am also uncovering issues of pride and selfishness. and i am beginning to wonder if maybe that is why decision making is such a hard process for some. because the lord uses that process to sanctify and purify their hearts. and that is never easy.

i am also realizing that when making a decision you can't always base it on just what you want to do. i am getting closer to making my decision for next year and can honestly say the decision i will probably make is the exact opposite of the one i want to make. yet the one i want seems wrong and the one i don't want seems to be right.  but looking at the example of Abraham, i am pretty sure he didn't want to do any of the things God kept calling him to do. yet he did them and was blessed. and again, it all comes back to faith.

i'm gonna dance in my trust in you

faith. trust. simple words. but they carry so much meaning. meaning that i still don't fully understand. i have faith in god. i trust god. but i still worry. i still get anxious. i still panic. i still feel depressed. i still feel lonely. i still have to have a plan. where is faith in that? where is trust? how do you do it? how do you live a life without worry and anxiety? i sometimes wonder if there is an answer or if i will ever find it.

yet i know god is trying to teach me. i sense his patient guidance in trying to help me let go of the fear that builds inside of me and at times threatens to take over. he is not showing me why things happen, but he is showing me he provides no matter what happens. whether it is who he took from and who he brought to bolivia this year, or small day trips with the river kids, or an incident on saturday where the car i was in hit a cow in the middle of the altiplano, in a region known for its strong hatred of americans, god has provided. and not just provided, but provided abundantly.

so why then, when faced to make a decision about what to do next year, does my stomach start to turn, my heart race, and my brain shut off? why do i continue to worry? how can i feel the gentle nudge of the lord in the direction he wants me to take, but at the same time hesitate because i fear what might come of such a decision? how many more lessons of his provision will it take before my faith is strong enough to let go of all worry? will i ever get there?

Let my faith arise

I say NO to the discouragement that keeps me down

I say NO to the things that keep me back from You

And this broken heart inside of me

Broken in so many pieces

By so many circumstances

I say NO to just letting it stay that way

Because I'm learning to trust that it's not You that hurt me

I'm learning to believe that it's not You that deserted me

I'm believing that You still love me

Brokenness and all

I'm believing that You've got a plan for me

I'm believing that You will restore me

I believe that You will awaken my soul

And let, let faith arise again, I believe

I believe like a little child again

I'm gonna dance in my trust in You, oh Lord

~jason upton

faithful to me

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
that have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand,
just to watch them all wash away

Through another day, another trial
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly,
for a faith to be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial,
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

~jennifer knapp

a matter of will

"When I was young I had the idea (I am sure I must have heard sermons on this) that I would somehow have to annihilate my own will before I could properly pray to God for his. "You must have absolutely no will of your own in the matter," someone had said.  This sounded all right to me, and I spent a lot of time and energy trying to follow this advice.  Finally, I saw that no such thing was required.  The struggle Jesus had in the Garden of Gethsemane showed me this. A conflict was taking place-not to annihilate his own will but to accept the will of the Father, which was other than his. It did not end with Jesus saying, "My will is now thine" but with, "Not my will but thine be done."  The act of praying, far from divesting us of human desires, enables us to lay them before God as very real and pressing and say to him, "Not these, Lord. Yours." (If we had gotten rid of them, there would be nothing to lay down.)
     There is something terribly down-to-earth about this. They are my own requests I am supposed to "make known" to God. They are things I feel strongly about. They may be sinful. If they are, making them known to God might make plain to me their true nature.  But I am starting by making them known. I pray for what I want, as a child asks its father for whatever it wants. This is faith's legitimate activity."

~Elisabeth Elliot

let the little children come

so life has been crazy and has not left a lot of time for reflection lately. some things are good, some things are hard. but through it all i am constantly reminded of god's goodness and grace. and nothing reminds me more than the faces of the many children i spend my days with:

faux fall days

living in the southern hemisphere, we are heading into spring. however, fall is my absolute favorite season, and yet this will be my fourth year without a fall. in order to enjoy what i think is the most beautiful time of year, my roommates and i find little ways to bring fall into our bolivian apartment.

homemade rolls
homemade applesauce
fall flowers of deep red, orange, and yellow
laminated fall leaves
beef stew
small packets of apple cider drink mix
anything pumpkin (using the precious few cans we can fit into our already overstuffed suitcases)

apple pie

lots of cinnamon

faith

i found this song today in my itunes library and i have pretty much been listening to it on repeat ever since. i had completely forgotten i had downloaded it a few months ago. it's one of those songs that when i listen i wonder how the writer knew me so well. it's pretty much the story of my life right now.



(ignore all the cheesy pictures...the words are so powerful!)