i'm gonna dance in my trust in you

faith. trust. simple words. but they carry so much meaning. meaning that i still don't fully understand. i have faith in god. i trust god. but i still worry. i still get anxious. i still panic. i still feel depressed. i still feel lonely. i still have to have a plan. where is faith in that? where is trust? how do you do it? how do you live a life without worry and anxiety? i sometimes wonder if there is an answer or if i will ever find it.

yet i know god is trying to teach me. i sense his patient guidance in trying to help me let go of the fear that builds inside of me and at times threatens to take over. he is not showing me why things happen, but he is showing me he provides no matter what happens. whether it is who he took from and who he brought to bolivia this year, or small day trips with the river kids, or an incident on saturday where the car i was in hit a cow in the middle of the altiplano, in a region known for its strong hatred of americans, god has provided. and not just provided, but provided abundantly.

so why then, when faced to make a decision about what to do next year, does my stomach start to turn, my heart race, and my brain shut off? why do i continue to worry? how can i feel the gentle nudge of the lord in the direction he wants me to take, but at the same time hesitate because i fear what might come of such a decision? how many more lessons of his provision will it take before my faith is strong enough to let go of all worry? will i ever get there?

Let my faith arise

I say NO to the discouragement that keeps me down

I say NO to the things that keep me back from You

And this broken heart inside of me

Broken in so many pieces

By so many circumstances

I say NO to just letting it stay that way

Because I'm learning to trust that it's not You that hurt me

I'm learning to believe that it's not You that deserted me

I'm believing that You still love me

Brokenness and all

I'm believing that You've got a plan for me

I'm believing that You will restore me

I believe that You will awaken my soul

And let, let faith arise again, I believe

I believe like a little child again

I'm gonna dance in my trust in You, oh Lord

~jason upton

faithful to me

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
that have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand,
just to watch them all wash away

Through another day, another trial
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly,
for a faith to be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial,
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

~jennifer knapp

a matter of will

"When I was young I had the idea (I am sure I must have heard sermons on this) that I would somehow have to annihilate my own will before I could properly pray to God for his. "You must have absolutely no will of your own in the matter," someone had said.  This sounded all right to me, and I spent a lot of time and energy trying to follow this advice.  Finally, I saw that no such thing was required.  The struggle Jesus had in the Garden of Gethsemane showed me this. A conflict was taking place-not to annihilate his own will but to accept the will of the Father, which was other than his. It did not end with Jesus saying, "My will is now thine" but with, "Not my will but thine be done."  The act of praying, far from divesting us of human desires, enables us to lay them before God as very real and pressing and say to him, "Not these, Lord. Yours." (If we had gotten rid of them, there would be nothing to lay down.)
     There is something terribly down-to-earth about this. They are my own requests I am supposed to "make known" to God. They are things I feel strongly about. They may be sinful. If they are, making them known to God might make plain to me their true nature.  But I am starting by making them known. I pray for what I want, as a child asks its father for whatever it wants. This is faith's legitimate activity."

~Elisabeth Elliot

let the little children come

so life has been crazy and has not left a lot of time for reflection lately. some things are good, some things are hard. but through it all i am constantly reminded of god's goodness and grace. and nothing reminds me more than the faces of the many children i spend my days with:

faux fall days

living in the southern hemisphere, we are heading into spring. however, fall is my absolute favorite season, and yet this will be my fourth year without a fall. in order to enjoy what i think is the most beautiful time of year, my roommates and i find little ways to bring fall into our bolivian apartment.

homemade rolls
homemade applesauce
fall flowers of deep red, orange, and yellow
laminated fall leaves
beef stew
small packets of apple cider drink mix
anything pumpkin (using the precious few cans we can fit into our already overstuffed suitcases)

apple pie

lots of cinnamon

faith

i found this song today in my itunes library and i have pretty much been listening to it on repeat ever since. i had completely forgotten i had downloaded it a few months ago. it's one of those songs that when i listen i wonder how the writer knew me so well. it's pretty much the story of my life right now.



(ignore all the cheesy pictures...the words are so powerful!)

answered prayer

today was a day of tiny miracles and answered prayers. when things are hard, it's funny how God shows up in the smallest places. i came back to la paz this year with a strong burden for the children at the river, convicted i wasn't doing enough and there was more to be done. last week while at church i was struck with the thought of how amazing it would be for those kids to get outside of their little community and experience the body of Christ. so we invited a couple of the older girls to come to church with us. they seemed hesitant and we knew it would take God working in their hearts for them to come. so we began to pray furtively every day for God to work and we recruited others to pray as well. i was fully prepared to have to persistantly go every week for the next month or two, before any of them would come.

this morning we drove up the lane, not sure what to expect. a couple of the other kids were standing outside so we told them why we were there. they seemed hesitant but also interested so one of the girls, Wara, went off to ask permission. we waited for some time, and then the one girl we had invited last week, who seemed so hesitant, came out and said she couldn't go this week. however, we held out, waiting for Wara to return. twenty minutes later she returned, saying that she and her sister could go, but only if they brought their younger siblings as well. we agreed and they ran off to wash up and change clothes. as they went, they told a couple other families and fifteen minutes later 13 kids, ranging from 18 months to 16 years, piled into the beast, a 1978 land cruise owned by my roommate. we were in awe.

on the way to church we had to drive past a police checkpoint, and for the first time we were stopped. at first, the policeman seemed to have a problem with my roommates licsense and asked her to pull over to the side. she showed her international liscense and he said everything was fine, but then he looked in the car...piled with 16 people, and said that we had too many people (doh!) we just smiled and said yes, but what could we do and by the grace of God, he smiled and said, "esta bien" and waved us on. honestly, a miracle.

what a sight we had to be coming into church. three gringas and 13 ragged bolivian kids. however, our church family was very welcoming, and while i think we might have added a little stress to the sunday school teachers' lives, everything went smoothly. there was a lunch afterwards, and as there was some concern about having enough food, we planned on leaving before it started. however, we ended up working it out to buy 5 lunches to share among all the kids, which was plenty, and then the food multiplied and there were so many leftovers, they were able to give all the kids seconds, which meant they had enough to take home to their families. another miracle.

today was exhausting, yet perhaps one of my favorites since being back. just driving the kids to church was completely worth it, watching them get so excited as we drove past parks, hearing them shout, "mira! mira! (look! look!)" they were so well behaved at church, joining right into the songs. hearing little 8 year old jonanthan singing at the top of his lungs, completely off-key but from his heart, was perhaps the most beautiful sound i have ever heard. we were amazed at how God answered our prayers and in bigger ways than we could have imagined....from not being sure if even one would come to having 13 come, from not having enough food to having excess. our God is truly good. and if he takes care of little things like having children come to church, why is it so hard to trust him with everything in my life?