My Prayer

"Holy fire, burn away my desire for anything
That is not of you and is of me
I want more of you and less of me

Empty me, Empty me
Fill, won't you fill me with you, with you."

que sera, sera

Once again, so many thoughts. Where to begin? Machu Picchu was probably one of the most incredible things I have ever seen, right up there with the Salt Flats last year. While wondering around the ancient Incan ruins, watching the sun rise above the blueish-green mountains, Kristen and I came to a funny realization. This was part of our summer vacation. We hadn't really been thinking about our vacation starting until we got back to the states, Machu Picchu was just part of life in South America. We are often traveling to amazing locations and it's just life. We realized we had pretty amazing lives to not have considered Machu Picchu a vacation! Pictures can't really do it justice, you really just have to experience it in person!

Tomorrow I am traveling back to the States. I really should be packing now, but that is on my top ten list of things I absolutely hate so I am procrastinating as long as possible. I wish I had a pair of ruby red slippers, and could click my heels and say, "There's no place like home." And be magically transported to my house in Cincinnati. That way I could skip the long, expensive, lonely taxi ride to the airport where I spend the entire time praying to God that this driver is trustworthy because once he gets to El Alto I no longer have any idea where I am and he could take me anywhere. I could skip the long flight to Miami, the 5 hours sitting in the worst airport in the world (perhaps having a horribly awkward conversation with someone I am incredibly angry with), and the 2 1/2 hour flight to Cincinnati that seems twice as long as the previous flight because I am so close to being home, yet not quite. Ahh, the joys of a life overseas. But honestly I love my life and wouldn't trade it for anything. And I am excited to be home. There are things I need to get away from here and people I can't wait to see there! In a little over a week I will be curled up with my best friend, eating chocolate and ice cream, with a box of tissues in the middle, catching up on life and all the heartaches and joys that have come over the last year. And that picture is enough to get me through the long, wretched day tomorrow.

machu picchu...the pictures say it all...

more to come as soon as facebook cooperates!

home?

Well, to begin, I really should be in bed. It is fairly late on a school night and it has been the longest week ever. However, I was just laying in bed, exhausted but my mind reeling and so I thought maybe if I got some of this down I would be able to finally fall asleep. It all started when I got an email this afternoon which pretty much brought me to tears, which is weird since I really don't cry and also since it probably isn't that big of a deal. It was from my director telling me that they had bought my ticket back to Bolivia after the summer vacation. However, they had changed the date from the one I had requested to 2 days earlier. Not that big of deal, except that 2 days earlier means my parents will be out of town and will not be able to take me to the airport and I will have to say good-bye to them a week earlier when they leave and I won't be seeing them again until June 2009. And there is even a slight chance they may be able to change their plans to come home a little earlier. I know, you are probably thinking...so, what's the big deal? This brought her to tears? Yeah, that's what I was thinking too. Especially when laying in bed tonight, hours after receiving the email, I was still so upset. So I began to try to figure out why this was affecting me so much. It's not like I get homesick. I am not even sure how ready I am to go back to the states because that means facing some things I have been able to ignore the last few months. But something about the idea of not being able to say goodbye in the airport really bothers me. And I think this is because I feel caught between two worlds and the airport is the bridge between the two.

Bolivia. I love my life here. I love my job. I actually don't even feel like I have a real job half the time, even though I am often working 12-14 hour days. I am doing what I love and what I have been called to do. I get so much joy from teaching that it doesn't feel like work most of the time, it's just what I love to do. I love my school. It is such a special place, a tight-knit family. I have amazing, wonderful friends here and although the community is small, we are all very close and these are some of my deepest relationships. Living on my own this year and spending long weekends in La Paz instead of traveling have also increased the feeling of home here. This is just normal life. However, this isn't home. I might be here one or two more years, but not much more. There are too many things that frustrate me about Bolivian culture. I love these people, but I could never live here for long term, I would probably go crazy. So in many ways this just seems like a stopping place on the way to other adventures, not home.

Cincinnati. This was home for so long. 17 years. I have family there, friends there, my home church. However, when you leave a place for an extended period of time, life goes on without you. Crazy, I know. People's lives don't stop just because you aren't there. Sometimes I wish they would. I love going home, sleeping in my old bed, eating my mom's home-cooked food, spending time with friends and family. However, every time I go home it feels a little stranger, like I belong there just a little less. For example, I have a wonderful small group in Cincinnati. Dear friends that I love spending time with. However, it gets a little bit harder and a little bit stranger every time I go back. They welcome me back like nothing has changed, but everything has changed. They have spent the last 6 months or so growing closer together as a group, experiencing things as a group, while I have been thousands of miles away. Spending one on one time with my friends is a little bit easier, but sitting there amongst the whole group, I usually begin to feel overwhelmed and out of place. (This is usually why I am so quiet, it's not because I don't have something to say.) And it's no one's fault, it's just I don't quite belong. My experiences over the last 6 months have been drastically different than anyone else's and I have as much trouble understanding what their lives are like as they do understanding mine.

So where is home? I don't know. Where do I want to be? I don't know. Part of me longs for the US...for comfort food (aka good food), for my family, for familiar surroundings, for all of the conveniences. But I also know that once I am there, I won't be fully satisfied. I won't feel completely at home. I will miss Bolivia. I will miss my work here. I will miss my friends. I will miss being with people who really understand my life. And so I wonder, will I ever feel completely at home again in this lifetime?

binding up the brokenhearted

"...the life of a Christian is never about sameness. It's always about change. That's why we must learn to survive and once again thrive when change involves heartbreaking loss. We're being conformed to the image of Christ. When our heart is hemorrhaging with grief and loss, never forget that Christ binds and compresses it with a nail scarred hand. Life will never be the same [but Christ invites us] to rise to a new life- a more compassionate life, a wiser life, a more productive life. And, yes, even a better life." ~Beth Moore

fragile hope

So yesterday several of the teachers left to go climb a 20,000 ft. mountain. Not my idea of a good time, so instead I planned a quiet day and evening at home, catching up on sleep, getting some work done, and just lounging around. However, plans can change. I ended up setting an alarm (the one thing I hate doing on Saturday mornings) and waking up early to share a waffle breakfast at one of my favorite famiy's house. My favorite little 4 year old princess welcomed me in her pajamas and we shared a lovely breakfast together. Then, leaving the kids at home, I went with the mom, and a couple other teachers to an art fair at the nearby school. I love walking around looking at all of the beautiful handmade items and although I hadn't planned on buying anything, I ended up buying an alpaca scarf and a really cute bag. I was tempted to buy another Eric Bauer photograph, but I had bought one at the last fair and decided to save my money and wait on a second one. During the morning, Ali and I took a break to sit in the sun and warm up and we ended up having a deep heart to heart. This continued through lunch at the fair (yummy Japanese food) and the whole way home. Once at home I was able to chill for a few hours and get some work done while I watched Friends. I still planned on having a restful evening at home, snuggled under the covers, either with a book or a movie. But once again, my plans changed. I ended up going up the city to get a bite to eat with Ali, where we were able to continue our conversation from earlier and she was able to offer some insight into some of the things I have been going through. We then caught up with two of our friends to go see the new Indiana Jones movie, which was fun, but pretty cheesy and not quite as good as the originals. Ali and I then decided to get some dessert and listen to some live music before calling it a night. Although I didn't get my completely quiet, relaxed day I had been planning, it was still a great day and I was really glad to get the chance to draw closer to Ali. And who knows, I woke up not feeling great, so I have already skipped church and spent the morning relaxing in bed, doing my bible study and listening to a Mars Hill podcast, so maybe today will be the quiet day I missed yesterday?

whoa.

Even if you are not a ballet fan, you HAVE to watch this...it is INCREDIBLE! (you have to get past the creepy green people for the really amazing part!)